Monday, 12 January 2015


What would you do, if you could confront a bully 13 years later?

Bullying is an ugly, soul wrenching act of cowardice. It's an act of asserting misguided power, superiority and control. Bullying has escalated all around the world like it's a requisite when you enter schooling. For the past couple of months, I've been reflecting on memories. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I've been bullied at school and at home. I remember many times fear holding me back from standing up for myself, so I would stand there absorbing the abuse until it became apart of me, breaking my spirit.

Sometimes memory fades along with the pain associated with it. But sometimes it just hurts and that hurt carries on through the years till it becomes a vivid old memory that you struggle to shake off. But I've been learning to let go. Sometimes we live our lives trapped in a memory that only exists in the past, where we cannot touch it or alter it. So why not learn to just let go? It's not always so easy though.

There were a few relatives that repeatedly targeted me, while I was sporadically put down and made to feel so, so small by others because they were so ignorant that a child feels more than they can possibly imagine. Their lives were in turmoil, unbalanced and out of control. They became mean, nasty and insecure. Picking on a 13 year old, while they were much older. They crushed my self esteem and my self-worth. I haven't spoken to them for over 10 years. I would always think, if I ever crossed paths with them, I would somehow break their spirit like they did mine, make them feel pain in hope I would feel closure and be free from that memory. I'm 26 years of age and just a few months back, I've stopped feeling such a way.

I've been reflecting and discovering who I want to be. I never want to make someone feel what I felt growing up. I don't want to become what I stand up against. If I become cruel and nasty to them, shove at them what they lay at me, where is the line separating me from them? Doesn't it become blurred till you lose who you are and who you want to be? I never want to be a bully to gain closure and peace. It'll then become tainted. How can I stand for those being bullied if I become one myself? They still might be the cowards that they were or feel regret for who they were. It doesn't matter anymore. I've rebuilt my self worth and esteem from love, kindness and pure goodness. No one can take that away from me anymore because I'm stronger in spirit and have so many good people standing by me. I believe I'm worth being treated with care and respect and will fight for it. I'm slowly letting go of the anger and the burning hate. So I would like to think if I ever did see them again, I would stand before them so damn proud I have taken my story and grew up protecting others from bullies and not allowing them to make me one of them.

If you are being bullied don't let it sit in your heart and mind until it festers. Open up and let it out. Find your strength, if not within yourself, find it in others who love you and want to protect you. Let them hold you. Let them share your burden so it doesn't weigh you down. People speak freely and say cruel things because they can. Even if they don't believe the words their spewing. Don't let them steal away your beauty, your confidence, your respect, your self love and self worth. Know it's in you, you just need to find it and hold on to it real tight. They can't break you if you won't allow them. Seek help and stay strong. Believe you deserve better.

 These are my ramblings and my opinions. Please respect them as I would yours. It's okay to disagree, humans would be terribly boring if we all had the same thoughts and beliefs. So share your story, I'll always be listening.



Anonymous said... [Reply]

This is beautiful.

The Choosy Chick said... [Reply]

Oh my gosh - I have tears. There isn't a soul that cannot relate to this, Roxie. I am so sorry you suffered through this - but please know that your story is helping others to heal. XO